by AllSquare
So thankful for a large cup of cold water and some basic crackers.
We were angry again earlier.
It’s been several weeks that we have been dressing our friend’s wound.
AllSquare had been the one to notice it, helping R put socks on. It was probably Peacock who let R know that he needed to get to the hospital.
R is having pizza in the other room. But we are just thankful for our water and simple crackers.
Earlier we had that explosion. We were about to dress R’s wound and there was a triggering moment. He asked us to look in a big box for a paper bag full of gauze.
AllSquare hates it when someone asks us to look for something they describe, because they never describe it well enough for us to find it easily. We had to pick up the whole, big box and show it to R. He grabbed what he wanted and stuck it in our face, making ASQ feel dumb, blind and stupid.
We immediately started trying to calm down, because we knew we were triggered. We wanted to stand up for ourself and say something. So we said something. And R kept denying that he had stuck anything in our face. But he did. He did shove it in our face to show us how stupid we are.
And that’s when AllSquare called him a name and threw a package of bandages.
We did not expect to snap like that, but it happened. So we immediately had to start calming down.
We got afraid. We had to calm down fast, because we were afraid that we would not be able to care for our friend’s wound.
No one else knows how to do it and R says we always do a good job. So we had to calm down and go from angry monster back to caregiver. It wasn’t easy, but we are getting better at making calming down happen fast.
AllSquare was able to switch out and take care of our friend’s foot. We had to apologize several times.
AllSquare has to stop the narrative in his head that says he is stupid and worthless. Other people discover our buttons, and they push them and trigger us that way. And blowing up is the result. We don’t want to have to keep calming back down. We don’t know how we got to be so angry so fast.
But now we are just thankful for cold water and crackers.
And a place to sleep.
Slow and steady wins the race.
AllSquare does not want to be the big, ugly, angry, mean man any more. But that’s just who comes out over and over.
When you are angry, people don’t see anything else. They can’t see angels. They only see your demons, taking you to Hell and making you be alone as alone can be.
R just offered ASQ a slice of pizza and we took it.
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